Always Doesn't Mean Forever
by purpleballerynna
Summary: Buffy muses after the Xander-Buffy argument in "Selfless"


Always Doesn't Mean Forever 

**AUTHOR: **Miya

**E-MAIL:** violetsilver@edsamail.com.ph

**DISCLAIMER:** I do not own _Buffy the Vampire Slayer_, _Angel_ or any thing associated with it. In other words I'm not Joss Whedon. Thank goodness

**SUMMARY: **Just some of Buffy's thoughts after the argument she had with Xander in "Selfless" and some more about Angel. Hehe, I'm just being angsty I guess

**SPOILERS: **"Selfless", "Becoming part II" and season 4 of _Angel_

**A/N: **Squee!!!!!! Thank goodness Joss decided to remember Xander's little lie in "Becoming". Oh and Buffy said that she'd do anything to be with Angel! Also pretend Willow went to LA for awhile 

**A/N2: **I don't like what's happening to Angel. I really don't

**RATING: **PG, major angstyness

Always doesn't mean forever. I think I should've learned that by now. When someone tells you that they will always be with you that just means that they will leave someday. I'm not being cynical; I'm being truthful. That's what always happens to me. The moment someone promises 'always', everything goes horribly wrong. Well, maybe not the minute but you know what I mean. 

Here are some concrete examples. I always thought that Xander would trust my judgment. Even if he disagrees with it, he'll still trust me. I always thought that Xander understood what I do and face as a Slayer. And heck, I always thought that I trusted Xander. But I was wrong. 

Xander doesn't trust my judgment. He doesn't understand what I do and face as a Slayer. And apparently, I should not trust him. 

You see Xander didn't think that what I said about Anya was justified. Maybe he's right. But what else is there to do? She did things that were inhuman. She killed people. Innocent people. And in my book that constitutes as bad. But no Xander had to point out that I should not be quick to judge her. Now he has questioned me many times but this really takes the cake. I'm only doing what I should be doing. 

Which leads me to my other point. What I do and what actions I choose to take lays heavily on me. There are so many decisions that I regret making. There are so many things that I'd rather not deal with. Anya is one such thing. I've gotten to know her the past years and I consider her as a good friend. Sure she gets on my nerves a few, a lot of times, but who doesn't. 

What Anya has become or became again and what I have to do is a burden on my soul. I do not want to kill her; I don't want to fight my friend. It was the same thing when Willow went crazy. A part of me desperately wants to just let them do what they want. But another part, the Slayer part wants to do what's right.

Xander doesn't know that this is hard for me too. He doesn't understand my job. I would think that after all these years, after I ran away from it, he would understand. After all, I'm only human. But then again so is Xander.

And I thought I could trust him. He's never lied to me or caused me to second guess him. That trust is faltering now. 

Back in junior year we had to fight Angel, in his bad unsouled version. Before I sent Angel to hell Xander told me that Willow said "to kick his ass". No, Willow sent him to tell me that she was trying again. 

How could he? How could he conceal that important thing from me? I had to send the man I loved to Hell! And I had to deal with it alone because I knew they wouldn't want to talk about him with me. Xander had inadvertently caused a part of me to die. That's what happened when I sent Angel to Hell. Xander had the chance to prevent that. He could've told me what Willow was trying to do and I could've stalled. I could've saved Angel.

Another example, Angel. He promised me that he'd always love me. And I promised him the same thing. I've kept up my end of the bargain. Angel on the other hand hasn't. 

I had another boyfriend, yes. But I didn't love Riley the way I love Angel. That was one of the reasons why Riley and I didn't work out. I loved Angel more even if I didn't show it. Or let him know. 

I just recently found out that Angel is 'dating' Cordelia. Cordelia! Queen Cordy of all people, the one person who made the first half of my high-school life in Sunnydale the worst. Angel doesn't love me anymore. He's broken his promise. 

I know, I know. What makes me so sure that he does not love me anymore? Well, Willow passed by LA before she came here. She talked to Angel. He told her what he feels for Cordy. That when they find her, he'll take her in his arms and kiss her. So there, Angel's broken promise.

I've been betrayed by friends before. Betrayed even by the person I considered a father. But when I heard that about Angel my heart just broke into a million more pieces. He told me I'll always be his and I believe him. Now I know that I shouldn't have.

I've been doing this for nearly eight years now. And I've learned so many things. The most important being: Always doesn't mean forever.


End file.
